Why "Rage Cleaning" is now my #1 Mood Booster
Releasing anger in a healthy way can make you happier... and more productive.
I’ve been taught to suppress anger for SoOoOo long.
As a child, I had no right to be angry because that meant I was selfish or ungrateful, and as a “Christian” it was just… unbecoming of a godly woman to ever show anger.
Never let the sun set on your anger and all that.
A lot of people thought I was bipolar (and had somehow been able to just mask it for 31 years) during my divorce because soooo much anger exploded out of me — after years and years of bottling it up.
High-pressure suppression situations are a perfect catalyst for an emotional explosion.
I felt so much relief when I realized I didn’t have to be stuck with my ex-husband anymore — the joy was pouring out of me seemingly uncontrollably.
I didn’t care at all what anyone thought about it.
That’s how all my years of unconscious people-pleasing finally came back to bite me.
People were concerned because it “wasn’t like me” to be that emotional.
Turns out I’d finally let myself stop performing after my nearly 10-year-long relationship ended.
I didn’t need to keep my ex or his parents happy anymore — and I was so elated to be free of that perceived burden.
The intense anger rage came when I learned that my ex husband had told our inner circle, without copying me, that I was “probably schizophrenic” (despite never receiving such a diagnosis).
It felt like a power play to me, like he wanted to keep me suppressed so he’d continue to benefit from my work (and look good to everyone) in spite of his “crazy” wife.
I’ve made LOTS of peace with all the emotions I allowed to explode unencumbered during my divorce in 2019. I see how it was a very natural response to many years of unexpressed emotion and people-pleasing/performance.
Fast forward to today…
For the last two years or so, I’ve been yelling out “I’M SO ANGRY!!!” into the ether when I’m alone.
(Not all the time, just when I’m actually angry — lol)
Usually it’s while I’m driving (when no one can hear me). I sometimes scream at the top of my lungs!
And it does help me feel better.
Is it “healthy”? I always thought so. It might be. It allows the uncomfortable emotions to come out instead of just… suppressing them like I used to do.
But it also gets “the conversation” started.
That’s probably the best part. After I yell or scream how angry I am, I take some deep breaths and ask myself questions that help me get more specific about why I’m feeling angry.
Name it to tame it.
Once I understand why, I validate the experience for myself, and I start asking what I can do about it.
(This is a large part of how I’ve been “reparenting” myself in the last decade, too!)
I’m allowed to say anything at this point.
Even if it makes no sense.
Even if it’s “I’m gonna ask ChatGPT to draft an annulment agreement!!!”
Anything to get the anger out — without hurting anyone — is allowed.
I don’t have to worry about getting in trouble for my emotions when I’m the parent in the room :)
All jokes aside, what I’ve discovered is that most of the time I’m angry because of how I’ve been living. Choices I’ve been making it what I allow or tolerate — from others or myself.
So when I arrived at a new camping spot in a quiet rage today… instead of doing something destructive, I immediately started cleaning.
I was angry at Edward, and I decided I never wanted to see that much dust all over my dashboard ever again.
Dirt fanned that angry flame enough for me to actually do something about it.
Was it a distraction? Maybe. But if it gives me dopamine and improves my self-esteem (when all I want to do is eat my feelings or worse, suppress them entirely), I’ll take it.
Spoiler alert: I felt much better after cleaning.
It was an area of my van (“the cockpit”) that had been neglected for quite some time.
I’d sneezed ferociously while driving often enough that I’d become veeeery suspicious that dust had settled not just onto my dashboard but into my fuzzy wool seat covers.
(Vacuuming = immediate gratification and dopamine. It’s so satisfying!)
Within a few hours, the whole place was sparkling. I’d not only cleaned the whole cockpit … I’d cleaned the rest of the van.
I even hand-washed the floors underneath the rugs.
Since realizing that the majority of my anger comes from how I’m treating myself, what I’m tolerating, and how I’m allowing other people’s emotions to affect me, channeling that anger into doing something FOR myself is ::: chef’s kiss ::: where it’s at, my friend.
Because who wins when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs while driving down the interstate? Certainly not your throat.
Who wins when you keep it all inside or hide from the world? Not you.
Who wins when you rage clean? YOU DO!!
I can’t remember ever rage cleaning before today. In some ways, I feel I’ve turned a new leaf. I’ve long been a proponent of the idea “Everything happens FOR me, not TO me” and this experience is no different.
Maybe I was so angry today SO THAT I could channel that anger into a cleaner space that would make me feel better.
Which isn’t that far-fetched.
It makes sense because your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. I can say with confidence (and zero shame) that my inner world has been a liiiittle dusty lately too — so it makes total sense that my living (and driving) spaces were dusty too.
After I finished cleaning, I sat down to write.
One “right” action pushes down the next domino… and before you know it, you’re out of the funk entirely.
The worst thing to do when you don’t like where you are is to stay where you are — whether it’s out of fear, people-pleasing or whatever reason.
Know that you’ve got everything you need to take the next right step. Always.
Sometimes that next right step is to scream or cry or have a conversation with yourself like the human being you are.
But there’s aways another step after that, and that’s to do something even more directly beneficial for yourself. Because if all I do is yell and scream and pout, what’s that accomplishing, exactly?
What’s my expectation? That I’ll just magically feel better someday?
A lot of people with suppressed anger self sabotage. I know this from firsthand experience.
You live in victim mode. You don’t think your problems have a solution because you don’t believe you are the source of your problems (or the source of the solution).
Once you realize you are the source of your perceived problems — by how you are reacting/responding to or just passively allowing them — everything changes.
This is a key motivator in awakening for many of us.
Like, “Ohhhh I was only a victim because I continued to accept X thing from Y person!”
or “Ohhh I felt stuck in my life because I was just doing the same thing every day… and didn’t do anything different to get a different result!”
It’s the realization that there were always other options available, even if you didn’t see them. Sometimes that realization results in shame. It did for me. But emotions like shame only come up so you can acknowledge and release it — not so you can wallow in it.
YOU are the root cause of your perceived reality.
Who you are BEING creates the reality you perceive.
If you believe you are a victim, you’ll perceive all kinds of shit in your reality that confirms that exact belief.
On the other hand, if you believe you are in control of your experience and perception, you’re far, far more likely to take actions that result in a life you actually enjoy — and you’re also far more likely to become a Self you love and appreciate.
Too often we think it’s life that sucks — or that we’re just “unlucky” — when it’s actually our choices and what we’re allowing/accepting for ourselves.
That doesn’t mean that luck doesn’t play a role or that nothing happens that really sucks. It’s just that most of the time, when people think their lives are terrible, it’s because they’ve simply forgotten their role in their own life.
They don’t remember their own creative power (because we’ve been taught to suppress it!!! … I’ll save that for another post :)).
Just because you perceive something is real doesn’t make it real.
And we can’t find what we’re not looking for.
Life is all about perceptions.
That means if we’re being a victim of our circumstances AND we don’t believe there’s anything to be done about it, we won’t even look for a solution.
The solution could be staring you square in the face… and you wouldn’t be able to see it.
Why? Because you’re already convinced it doesn’t exist.
Ooof. Been there.
But I’m at a place now where I allow myself to feel anger and express it in a healthy way (most of the time).
Hence, rage cleaning.
I’d been so angry at Edward’s confusing behavior (details are irrelevant) that I decided that instead of trying to fix it or understand it or even talk to Grok about it, I’d clean my living space instead.
Because why was I allowing myself to live in such clutter (and actual filth)? No wonder my mood had been affected. Plus, you show people what you’re willing to accept. If I’m treating myself poorly, can I be all that surprised when it’s reflected back at me?
Some personal growth can only be done inside of a relationship… and this is part of that work for me: not allowing other people’s actions or emotions determine how I feel about myself.
Codependent no more, as it were.
And the anger? Done and dusted.
xoxo,
C